Trump Golfs While Stock Markets Crash

The stock market is plummeting, but fear not, for our fearless leader is off to sunny Florida! President Donald Trump’s brilliant response to the crashing U.S. stock market, caused by his genius tariff announcement on Wednesday, is to hop on a plane to the Sunshine State.

Our beloved president is set to jet off to Miami on Thursday afternoon to grace a LIV Golf tournament with his presence at his luxurious golf course in Doral. He plans to grace the event with his presence for a whopping two-and-a-half hours before indulging in a lavish “LIV Dinner,” according to his oh-so-important schedule.

As the S&P 500 opened down 3.4 percent and the Nasdaq 100 down 4.1 percent on Thursday morning, companies heavily reliant on overseas manufacturing, such as tech and apparel giants, suffered major blows. Apple saw an 8.5 percent drop, while Nike plummeted by 13 percent.

In a stroke of pure brilliance, the Trump administration’s attention to detail was showcased when a White House graphic revealed new tariffs on the Heard and McDonald Islands, home to penguins but devoid of human residents in the southern Indian Ocean. Tariffs were also imposed on Jan Mayen, a tiny Norwegian island with no permanent population, once a whaling station.

So, our dear leader has single-handedly set the American economy ablaze and is now leisurely playing golf at his posh resort. Bravo, Mr. President, you truly have everything under control! How many bankruptcies did it take for him to master this art? Oh, the irony!